So, it's been a year, pretty much, since I felt the need to reach out and complain loudly and via the medium of text.
I've been on antidepressants for a year or so. They made me great for a while, then good, then average, then lame... then we upped the dosage. We got greedy - well, I got greedy. That made me suicidal.
I came off them cold turkey and moved to Brighton. I had a terrible time.
I went back on them and came back home to Truro.
Now... I'm going back to London. Originally, it was because I met a fruit loop on Tinder that was a dead ringer for my ex. Same name and everything. I thought he was my puzzle piece (you know, the person that fits everyone just right without having to try...) but he isn't, because he can't deal with the camming stuff and videos.
So that's gone. Now I'm wondering whether to get drunk. I got drunk on my own at midday in a field the other day, because I managed to crush a relationship by text before we even met. Amazing. A record, even.
Getting drunk sucks. Feels awesome, but then I have a SAVAGE headache for about 5 hours and feel sick for the next three days.
I don't know why I'm moving to London. It feels like it's not my future. Like I'm watching a film of someone else's retarded and boring life.
I'm so whiny it actually makes me want to slap myself upside the head. I'm trying, but I can't gather enough hatred to do it properly, because I look all pathetic and weak. That's right, me, play dead. Curl up all small and un-intimidating so I don't beat you up...
I'm not sure moving to London will help unless you know some people there. Nothing worse than feeling alone when you're surrounded by people...
ReplyDeleteNow I left leaving a comment for ages so for once it did not look like I had rushed to answer, but see other than the tweets there had been no comments. Aha and now I see there is one.
ReplyDeleteDrinking on your own is never a good idea, and that is from someone who has a tendency to do that on a Friday night. Always wastes a good chunk of the next day and cures nothing. A late night with a friend or two and general late night bitching around the world and life into the wee hours seem to produce a smaller hangover the next day.
The moving to London is a tricky one to answer, shall we see one of those life questions that cannot be answered until you have tried it. In comparison to Brighton it has the size of the city to go for it, and many people keep to the different areas and as strange as it sounds you do get a different vibe from different bits of the sprawling mass that is London. Compared to Brighton it is this spread of places that are easy to reach that makes it great.
The key to making London work, would be to use it as a central hub to meet people, hang out and get inspiration from other art people and if the city gets too much escape to someone nearby in the country, and as all train lines lead out of London escaping for a day or two is easy.
Making sure you have a few people happy to hang out, from just a cup of tea through to a wild party night is the way to succeed and compared to Truro this has to be a lot easier. Exploit your artisan artistic nature and you should soon find yourself some regular haunts with people who you can have a friendly chat to.
On the tinder guy, I was wondering how and if you had broached the subject of what you do. That said there is more honesty in what you do and how its approached than the 100,000's who hook up on Friday night and never see each other again. Just that camming is less of the norm so unsettles many.
I am sure there is that jigsaw piece for you, oddly trying hard and seeking them out is often not the way to find them, believe many more relationships are down to those random meets and passing glances when out and about or at events. Cannot give the perfect relationship advice, but I know chasing too hard never works out well, and playing the cool side and always making them do the work goes nowhere, that middle ground seems so darn difficult to arrive at.
You could be too clever for your own good, most deep thinkers are, although your writing has a certain something, it flows well and held my interest. It could also be cathartic for you ... so you should write more often.
ReplyDeleteOh, by the way, don't worry too much about your life not going according to plan, it never does for any of us, but we do keep hanging in there ... God bless us, each and every one.
ReplyDeleteSoon be time to write your first book Tam,I,m looking forward to receiving my signed copy lol.Your blogs are sometimes sad but always interesting.Good to hear from you .In my experience alcohol is probably the worst drug.Be good to yourself.Lots of love...Rancidsid.
ReplyDeleteHi Tam.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to find you communicating online again. You are a great performer. Your ascerbic wit, entertaining verbosity, and incredible gorgeousness are worthy of any stage or screen, including ones that lots of people watch, if you would like that. Your erotic shows are also beyond compare, of course, and the whole package has me ... well, you have me, completely.
When you went media silent in June, well once I realised you had some weeks later (I don't monitor your output as assiduously as I would like due to having other stuff to do), I was worried that this might be due to emotional illness, and I wrote a couple of things to you by various routes to try to help just a little (I'm Steve - dino-saw on MFC). Some of your writing has indicated a lot of it is about need for a boyfriend. I have spent most of my life so far without a close partner. Maybe I can handle it as I'm an introvert, but the cause for me is lack of confidence and low self esteem - stuff like that. Solitude has advantages as well as disadvantages. I'm not sure whether you're intro- or extravert either - have you tried doing the 16 Personalities test? I think the one at http://www.16personalities.com/personality-types is ok. I'm an INFP for what it's worth - same as Bjork and Lady Di. It can help to study that stuff. I do of course understand you think and feel you need a steady companion, and that should be male. I am still seeking long-term opposite-sex partnership, too, but taking more solace in same-sex no strings experiences these days, as they are easier to come by. For you, I'd suggest maybe opening your options to include long-term same-sex relationships, because I think it might be better for your emotional health to have female partners. I think men are mostly more selfish and volatile than women, and you need more steady support and the mutual understanding that may come with a partner you choose who has more in common with you, including gender. It's just a suggestion. Then there's the diverse possibilities of polyamory, like just choose how you want to relate and who with, without the restrictions of convention or social norms.
I can only echo what other commenters have said about pills and booze. If the pills don't help, then the booze most certainly won't. That way lies head spinning, vomit inducing, self-destructive ... well, I tried it for a while and it didn't suit me. I tried the pills, too, more recently - SSRIs. They were crap, achieving only erectile dysfunction - gee, thanks doc! One thing that has helped me recently is getting a sunrise alarm clock and a SAD light that sits on my breakfast table, and black roller blinds so I can sleep in proper darkness - I know those things sound a bit off the wall, but it's surprising the difference they make for me.
I've just about said enough for now probably. I think you have high intelligence - have you done an IQ test? - I'd be interested to know - I'd guess yours is really high - mine is strictly average, but I try hard to learn stuff and use it. It takes me a while, but I'll get there eventually.
I think you have amazing potential, which you can achieve if you decide what you want to do, don't restrict your ideas - I mean honestly, you can be a star if you want that, or a high achiever in any field you choose. Try to calm down about your internal stuff, and realise you can sort that out, maybe consider options like I suggested above regarding relationships. If it keeps being difficult to work out, then perhaps try a few counsellors until you find one who you can really work with. I don't need to be a life coach to know that there don't have to be limits for you if you do the right things for yourself.
Much love, Steve