The Afuckingpprentice.

The Apprentice 2014

The Apprentice. A British series from the BBC consisting of  12 episode where 16 physically and morally nauseating,  cankerous sores from the arse of the bed ridden Earth make a desperate attempt to win the favour and financial backing of the delightfully wealthy Lord Overly Londonish Sugar.

This year (2014) is the tenth year that the series has been running, and to celebrate, Daddy Sugar has bought in 20, instead of 16,  of the foulest, most self-indulgent  bum cracks you could ever hope to hate.  About 17 of those I’ve not even acknowledged as existent so far but ignorance needn’t be the enemy of my hateful rambling, and I’ve found a list of the buggers, complete with pictures of quiffs and thin red lips to get my hate juices flowing. Let’s begin.

Bianca: Meh.                                        Chiles: Looks like a bad guy from a movie. Any movie.

Daniel: His jaw line makes me want to scoop my own eyes out with the discarded shell of a king prawn.                 Ella: Meh.            

                                                     

Felipe: Talks in the third person a lot. That’s hilarious. Tammy likes this and it makes her like Filipe.

James: I wish death upon for no particular reason.           Jemma: Meh.   

Katie: Meh.                                           Lauren: Meh.                 Lindsay: Meh.    Mark: Meh.   

    

 Nurun: Meh. Notice a theme?    Pamela: Meh.                                 Robert: Makes me sick to my stomach. What a festering, useless ball of crap this half man is.

Roisin: Sounds like… hoisin?                                                        Sanjay: Looks too commonly English to be a Sanjay.

Sarah: Looks like an aging prick.   Solomon: Meh.              Scott: Meh.

Steven: Reckon he’s gay. Not that that’s an issue. Just an observation.

So there we have it. My sweeping and all-knowing judgement based on the first episode of The Apprentice this year. Despite the fact that each of these disgusting pupae make everyone else in the world want to demon form and rip their cum dumpster mothers’ heads from their shoulders, I doubt they’re entirely to blame for how festering a hatred they stir in even the most placid of people.  Charlie Brooker did a thing on his (amazing) show where he put together a tiny version of The Apprentice and showed how much editing can make someone come across as likeable as a squawking  baby covered in the blood of the innocent and a white, pointy hooded robe.

However, and it’s a big however, there’s not a doubt in my mind that these people are just as arrogant, self-righteous and downright mock-worthy off the TV screen. Want to prove me wrong? Please… please try.