You Might Wanna Skip This One...

SO, I'm having a trip to London this week. I need some Thai Food from a dude that says, "Yu have faive disheees... what yu want?" "Eh.. I'll have some of that rice please.." "And theeeeeen?!" "Uh... and then some of that chicken please." "And theeeeeeeen?!" "Do you know you're being stereo-typically Asian and hilarious?" "Yes. And theeeeeeeen?"

I'm totally uprepared. I have no idea what's going on, what I'm taking... I would have liked to have been able to take some London tourist soaps down, but I can't get hold of the ingredients fast enough. I would love to take Howard his party planning gift set but I don't have it at the moment. I'm just trying not to think about it.

My tea tastes like pepper, for whatever reason.

Just in case you wanted to know what was happening in my future it is this:

Next Week: Start camming on MFC again. What  fun.
Next Week: Take private stuff also, because... because I can.
When Bike Money Comes Through: Buy a van and fix the bike up enough to keep riding it.
Today: Punch kittens in their underbellies and eat sweeties.

I'm starting a cam site soon also, hopefully. It's going to be lots of fun. You'll see....

It's going to be so amazing having a van. I'll pick things up in the van, and carry things in the van... and that's about the extent of it, but how cool is that?! So, if you have a little Berlingo sized thing for less than a grand, let me know.

This was the most boring blog in history. I'm very upset with myself about it.

Me vs African Child

Yesterday, I tried to clean my ears and one of them has gone deaf. I think I did very bad.

Maybe if it's an ear infection, the antibiotics that I'm taking anyway for my tonsillitis might help clear it up? I did that once after I went swimming. I got an infection, then scratched my ear drum with a cotton bud and made it really bad. Anyway, I'll be taking them for another three days, even though my tonsils are fine now...

I went to bed at 2am (I stayed up with my friend on Skype discussing possibilities because I want to start my own cam site!) and got woken up at 9am by this text conversation:

Him: I love my Tammy very much.
Him: Now get up!
Me: WHAT??!?!?!?!
Him: Oh dear, I've made you cross... :(
Me: You woke me up. Of course I'm cross. What do you want?
Him: I want nothing, thanks.
Him: Sorry

O.o I understand now what was happening but... but... at the time I was mad as a march hare. I jumped out of bed and thumped around the room and slammed my tail against things and set stuff on fire and all sorts.

Oh, I think I just remembered a little of my dream!

Aaaand, it's gone.

In a minute I need to walk two miles to the nearest shop to get food... like an African child. But two miles instead of 15 miles in the gentle, mild day rather than the scorching sun. And to travel to local shop stocking plenty of food and water, rather than a dirty broken well filled with festering water. And I have some money to buy goods... and they often... do not.

Fuck it, they should still make an advert for me.

It would seem that I suck cock.

I drew this today. No one seems to like it.

Please tell me why not.

Thank you.

I'm introducing myself here... if you care.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

POF Profile 2 - Quiz

HA! I can't believe how many people say, "I like music, films, dancing with my friends. Anyway, that's enough because I don't want you to know everything about me before we even meet!"


WOAH, what?! The two main forms of entertainment and dancing and we've nearly covered everything that you're about? Holy sh!t, that is depressing.


But I've begun to notice that there are three types of people in the world today. The Simpletons, The Pretentious Try Hards, and The Nutters. Which are you?


It's Friday night. What would you like to do, and what do you end up doing?


a) I'd like to do a hot girl with big tits, but I end up doing a girl that looks like she kissed a moving freight train... with thunder thighs. Her thighs.. not the trains.

b) I'd like to listen to some good music with my friends, watch four movies, eat loads of food and post the pictures on Facebook. I end up doing that.

c) I'd like to kill myself. I end up watching TV in my pants and eating peanut butter on garlic bread.


Okay. A hot girl walks past. What do you do?


a) Slam jam her f*ck hole, if she'll let me.

b) Hey, I'm not that kind of guy! There are still good guys out there, you know. I'd just walk by and if she wants to chat, she'll chat to me.

c) What? I was thinking about McDonalds apple pies... so everyone just looks like an apple pie.


I'm hungry. GET ME SOME FOOD RIGHT NOW! Please...?


a) EH, fu' dat mayte, u carn't boss me round li' and jus' tell me wot to do n sh!t. I went to college fur a hole week, u no.

b) OH YES, what can I get you? I'm really great at cooking, so just let me know what you'd like and I'll make it for you :)

c) I keep burgers in my pants. *Pulls out a double cheeseburger from pants* You're welcome to it.


I tell you that you're super annoying and I'm done hanging around with you.... What do you say?


a) PFFFT, I'm late to **** someone anyway. Girls love back acne... it's the new thing. I've never been so popular.

b) I don't understand...? I'm not upset, I'm just confused... We could have had something really good here... Just stay and talk to me, please...

c) Nothing. You've put me in your kangaroo pouch and now we're bouncing through town whilst you stroke my hair. You know I can't resist that.


---


If you got mostly A's... then you're a SIMPLETON! Congratulations, you're a cretin and you never even realised. Everything about you is basic, you have trouble tying your own shoelaces and eventually you'll screw a fat girl and lock your self into 20 years of bring up a scrawny little scrote of a child that spits in your face and hits. Yes... that's right... your child is a hitter.


If you got mostly B's... then you're a PRETENTIOUS TRY HARD! Actually, you're way more annoying than anyone else in the entire universe. You think you're so goddamn different to everyone else. Your love of alternative music, perhaps, or the fact that you can cook makes you think you're gods gift to women. You're so kind, so thoughtful and all your friends think you're funny, too! You outwardly project an exciting and interesting life, that in reality is even more boring than the old school films you insist on watching in an attempt to make people think that you're artistic and all that bullsh!t. You really are a useless quim and I hate you with every fiber of my being. Don't talk to me.


If you got mostly C's... then you're a NUTTER! Yeah, you're bonkers. But, it's okay. I'll have you for a week, two weeks maximum. Sometimes simpletons and pretentious try hards mistakenly think that they are in the nutter category... but if this happens, I'll just ignore you. If you double message, I'll start hurling insults and if you're ugly too then I'll take a crap through your letter box.

POF Profile 1

Alright. I'm going to be totally serious with you now.

You're all completely barking mad. Over the past 6 months since breaking up with my boyfriend (whom I found on Plenty of Fish, actually) I have met over 4 of Britain's Most Outrageously Broken People.  Stay a while and listen; it's an interesting story if nothing else.

This consisted of one gorgeous but insecure nutter with who was so insecure he got a motorbike after we broke up... because he honestly thought I would sleep with anyone with a bike. (Actually, he was right to do that though. Any biker has a shot - even those adorably chavvy motox kids on pit bikes).

Then I let some sh!t stain come and hang out with me because I had nothing better to do, and spent several hours talking about how hot the women on TV were, burping like a little frog, slurping his tea with the spoon still in it, trying desperately to get me naked (not something I was feeling at the time, believe it or not) and texting other girls to arrange an alternative session. For the life of me I cannot figure out why he's still single.

Alright, so then it was some guy who could not - I repeat COULD NOT - keep it in his pants. He just couldn't commit. "If I meet someone that I just HAVE to sleep with I will!" he would exclaim. And then leave and sleep with someone else. Until the last couple months where he held down a relationship for a few weeks... and then started sleeping around again. So... my conclusion is that I'm such a useless, stupid, ugly creature that I can't keep him while some random slag can. That's really bumming me out.

And very swiftly that notion has been reenforced when only today some kid decided to hang out with me all day, take a break for an hour to go and kiss and fat girl (that he assured me was his friend) and then COME BACK TO ME!

Then we have the London Boys - both World of Warcraft players. Number One being a huge slut that honestly expected me travel to London to sleep with him even after he said "I live in the family home now since breaking up with my ex a month ago... but don't worry. I have loads of people round."

And the Number Two, who blocked me for no reason. JUST... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!

Now another one talked to me for a day and deleted himself. I... I couldn't make this sh!t up, dudes. I wish I was, though.

Fascinating subjects, one and all. Obviously, on top of that we have my best friend who's been in love with me for two years, my whore of an ex who moved away to Australia, some other kid who moved away to Australia also. Because I hear that Australia is the goddamn place to be right now.

So... you've made it this far. Me whining about all the ridiculously annoying and practically special needs people from PoF. "Why?" I hear you ask. "Why waste profile space on making yourself sound like an intolerant slut instead of shamelessly hawking your wares?!"

I'll tell you.

It's because you smell.