POF Profile 1

Alright. I'm going to be totally serious with you now.

You're all completely barking mad. Over the past 6 months since breaking up with my boyfriend (whom I found on Plenty of Fish, actually) I have met over 4 of Britain's Most Outrageously Broken People.  Stay a while and listen; it's an interesting story if nothing else.

This consisted of one gorgeous but insecure nutter with who was so insecure he got a motorbike after we broke up... because he honestly thought I would sleep with anyone with a bike. (Actually, he was right to do that though. Any biker has a shot - even those adorably chavvy motox kids on pit bikes).

Then I let some sh!t stain come and hang out with me because I had nothing better to do, and spent several hours talking about how hot the women on TV were, burping like a little frog, slurping his tea with the spoon still in it, trying desperately to get me naked (not something I was feeling at the time, believe it or not) and texting other girls to arrange an alternative session. For the life of me I cannot figure out why he's still single.

Alright, so then it was some guy who could not - I repeat COULD NOT - keep it in his pants. He just couldn't commit. "If I meet someone that I just HAVE to sleep with I will!" he would exclaim. And then leave and sleep with someone else. Until the last couple months where he held down a relationship for a few weeks... and then started sleeping around again. So... my conclusion is that I'm such a useless, stupid, ugly creature that I can't keep him while some random slag can. That's really bumming me out.

And very swiftly that notion has been reenforced when only today some kid decided to hang out with me all day, take a break for an hour to go and kiss and fat girl (that he assured me was his friend) and then COME BACK TO ME!

Then we have the London Boys - both World of Warcraft players. Number One being a huge slut that honestly expected me travel to London to sleep with him even after he said "I live in the family home now since breaking up with my ex a month ago... but don't worry. I have loads of people round."

And the Number Two, who blocked me for no reason. JUST... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?!

Now another one talked to me for a day and deleted himself. I... I couldn't make this sh!t up, dudes. I wish I was, though.

Fascinating subjects, one and all. Obviously, on top of that we have my best friend who's been in love with me for two years, my whore of an ex who moved away to Australia, some other kid who moved away to Australia also. Because I hear that Australia is the goddamn place to be right now.

So... you've made it this far. Me whining about all the ridiculously annoying and practically special needs people from PoF. "Why?" I hear you ask. "Why waste profile space on making yourself sound like an intolerant slut instead of shamelessly hawking your wares?!"

I'll tell you.

It's because you smell.