If you don't want to read this, don't. I honestly don't know what compels me to actually type this shit out. I'm so desperately reaching out for help that it looks completely ridiculous.
All of a sudden I don't want to write this stupid thing anymore, but just a few seconds ago I thought it was the best idea.
I'm going to lay it out there.
I'm going to take antidepressants because I'm so tired of trying to ride this out on my own.
But I know that what I'm riding out is just shitty feelings from being rejected, and unwanted, and trying to find someone that wants me. What a fucking ridiculous thing to be upset about.
I am actually ready to stop being alive today. I genuinely hope I don't wake up. For something as stupid as not being able to fuck the people I want to fuck?!
What's wrong with me? Why am I so damn childish and dependent and constantly looking for someone that wants to be my boyfriend. Why does rejection make me want to abandon living and why do I feel like shit when something that never even happened goes wrong?
I keep nearly crying, but then not crying... because what the hell would I cry for. I wish I'd stop typing, but I feel like if I keep going then eventually someone will go, "Aaah, actually... now I get you. That's totally legit."
I feel sick with hatred for my shitty personality, and my pathetic behaviour.
I'm one of your more-or-less anonymous viewers from Youtube. I saw that last video where you clearly reached out for help. And I didn't do anything. I could've said something to try to uplift or support your spirits, especially since you revealed that you check your messages constantly for something, anything; but I didn't do anything. Call it weak on my part, but you're a bit frightening. I felt that anything said to you would indirectly push your spirits further down, not reach you at all, or be so overly positive that you'd just react cynically.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to say something. Look, I don't know you on a personal level, nor will I ever. I like watching your videos, you're interesting and funny. Take that as a compliment if you want, but basically to me you're just free entertainment on my computer screen. But I'm glad to see that you are going to take antidepressants. I hope you do more things than that, like possibly try therapy, doing things different from the norm, or just taking a bit of introspective - not self-destructive - time for yourself. Not because I want to keep watching you from my computer, but because, at the very least, I care about my fellow members of humanity on a basic level. No empathetic person likes to see anyone else in pain. And I whole-heartedly wish for you to do what you can to get where you want. I'm not going to tell you to think positively or try to reach for happiness because I believe everyone needs to be allowed to feel like shit every now and then.
As a final word I'd like to say this: reaching out for help is okay. The fact that someone is reaching out for help makes it okay. But ultimately, the responsibility of help falls on ourselves. We are the ones solely responsible for getting ourselves out of our own pits. Reaching out for help isn't putting the responsibility on others, it's you taking responsibility for yourself because you're the one reaching out! So don't be ashamed of hating yourself or for crying for help, you're taking the first steps towards getting where you want to be. But there's only so much a bunch of people on the internet can do when you put your pain online. We can commiserate and feel sympathy, but generally that's about it. Do what you can for yourself, seek other forms of help, figure it out on your own, or something. Just keep thinking, but try to think of a variety of things and don't dwell on any one thing for too long. Boredom and repetition leads to depression and madness. Not counting the numerous other things that lead to depression and madness. Alright, I think I've said enough. Sorry for the long preachy speech. Hell, I probably bored you to tears and made you roll your eyes a couple of times but if any of what I said benefited you in any way, then it's worth it. Remember, even if no one immediately around you looks like they care, there are people who, at the very least, care enough that they don't want to see you hurt.
Oh, and one more thing...Pain is pain. If you feel like shit, then you feel like shit. It doesn't matter if your life sucks because you're starving in Africa or if your life sucks and you've got 50 friends, 2 houses, 5 cars, and a yacht. Feeling like shit is feeling like shit, there's no difference there. If you feel depressed because you're worried about how you're going to feed your family tomorrow then you're on the same level as someone (like you) who's depressed for being rejected or feeling lonely. Don't beat yourself up over why you feel like shit, just KNOW that you feel like shit and figure out how NOT to feel like shit. And, again, that's up to you.
DeleteValidation for why you're hurt and depressed is for everyone else, not for you; which is good because you don't need validation since you're the one hurt and depressed, not everyone else.
Tammy every body’s life seems so much easier than yours but believe me the majority hang on to sanity by the skin of their teeth. I live in the real world so have no illusions about being your boyfriend/lover, all I can offer is an old man’s knowledge on life, I will your sounding board, confidant or lousy bastard, if I was closer your punch bag, I will not judge you, condemn you or give you advice, I will listen to you, console you, rarely agree with you, I cannot take the hurt away but will try to be there when you need. If you want email me, If you do not I will take no offence. This offer does not expire
DeleteI hate it when you are like this but I hate even more those who do not realise that what they say can hurt too.
ReplyDeleteYou have so many wonderful gifts and you are often at times mature beyond your years, but with all problems of being young. The growing up is not so much becoming wiser, but just realising that many people are just out to get what they want with no respect for others.
My little one leaves tomorrow, which is usually my cue to lock myself indoors and vanish from a week at the bottom of a bottle. The cure is usually to find something work wise to keep me really busy.
So what the fuck does that have to do with you? Well noting directly, but just to say you are not the only one who has problems, the path to getting out of the rut is recognising you are in the rut in the first place and then sharing moans/groans and worries with others. Even when they don't have the answers, just sharing can help us think about different ways to approach life and move forward.
As for the various boys that have and have not been a part of your life, at your age I think most guys see a girlfriend as a transient thing and maybe the ones I've talked with over the years have been the odd ones, but many seem to appear all settled but are still cheating around and on the look for a little extra, or are so obsessed with something like football that the girlfriend is just a mum replacement to do the washing.
So it is no surprise that finding someone who will settle down to even a small extent is not easy. It will seem an impossible job at times, the key is to remember that guys never say what they are really thinking, unless you pin them down to the floor and use illegal torture techniques.
I wish there was more I could do for you, and that leads use into the dual world of being a friend and pervert. Ok so the pervert bit is a certainty, I am hoping that I fit into the friend category a little too and that we have had some fun times together. In the almost three years I've known you I have learnt so much and you have helped me so much.
Chat more later
I would not recommend taking antidepressants - ultimately they do more harm than good. You have to understand that there is no quick fix for anything in life. Everything has to progress at a slow pace, naturally, in order to not disturb one's own balance. I've had some friends who started to take antidepressants, all they seem to do is drain one of ones' creative powers. They've become more lifeless, a reminder of life rather than life itself.
ReplyDeleteEvery person with a decent amount of internal activity is, or is going to be, depressed at some point. You have to try to direct that activity unto something which gives you pleasure - lasting pleasure. The biggest mistake - imo - most people do is become too dependant on others. You have to be able to enjoy your own company otherwise you'll always suffer. Try some form of artistic expression, start meditating, try changing/improving your diet etc.. Dont rely on others for your pleasure, dont be a sensualist.
Obviously this is easier said than done - especially for a woman. And I have no idea how much self-control or curiousity you possess. Good luck, pretty lady.
Are you eating healthfully? As a lack of vitamins in a growing bod can affect moods and increase the likelihood of depression ... even been known to make mountains out of molehills. You're a clever girl, you'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteYou can call on me as well Tam. Fond regards.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely go to the doctor. You'll feel better knowing you've done something about it.
ReplyDelete